i cant tell you something that aint real..

insignificant in the eyes of the intellectual(or so they feel) people.. and insignificant in the eyes of the gorgeous young ladies and arab community elder women who find beautiful girls as those who are nice and good for their son or nephew or whoever.. insignificant in the eyes of those people who are philosophical.. it doesnt bother me.. not one bit

but what does.. is the blatant comment of insignificance from people who do not know who i am or how much ive achieved in life to even utter a condescending word to start with..

so why are the people of yesterday so superfacial? why do they consider looks as that who are better for their family? i believe beauty lies within.. or so they commonly say but most dun believe what they say.. liars they are.. indeed..

theres a reason i dun like going and meeting people.. at weddings,mauluds and so on.. when i hear the people of yesterday talk and comment about things i disagree with.. i feel like i have to express myself.. but instead.. im taught to sit down listen and respect what is being said.. even if its wrong.. even if its condescending to an innocent person.. even if its something us as a muslim should not indulge in.. my thoughts buzzing annoyingly to my brain but my mouth remains close..

sometimes u just feel u dun get the respect and appreciation u deserve.. but u just swallow it and smile.. but im sorry.. im sick of that.. sick of such pretence.. i am who i am.. and if u cant respect and appreciate it then ill move far away.. and dun say im being a snob. i dun like what u do and how u act and since the prophet told us to never ignore our muslim brothers.. i wun and i never do.. but i will never get close becos the heart just doesnt take you well.. and that itself isnt ikhlas and wrong and so its better i step away..

life has made me blatant.. life has made me authoritative.. life has made me paranoid.. made me put up a wall before revealing myself to others.. life has taught me many things many have never been through..

age doesnt make u wiser instantly.. if u never placed urself center of scrutiny and take risks then u never know the meaning of wiser.. if u have never been grilled by racism.. being accussed of something for no apparent reason( and trust me it isnt some parent child tingy-thats just primary 1 level).. being looked down at by people u trusted whom u thought would have supported u all your life..

what breaks my heart.. is the fact that no matter how much i forgive.. no matter how much i smile around them i never forget what was done.. what made me so vulnerable.. what left me so sad.. what left me so distraught.. what left me so paranoid.. they didnt make me who i am today.. they make me paranoid of whomever i bring into my life.. i will never learn to fully trust anione animore.. i just cant..

people can change.. people do change.. they learn and they become better people.. what i dun fancy are people who believe they are great.. what they do is always right.. they feel the age have given them the right to doing what they want to..

what annoys me is my brain's ability to retain comments made by people.. comments that condescends me.. comments meant to me not on the goodwill of the heart but on the jealousy and cruelty of the human race.. what disappoints me the most is when i place the puzzle between face and comment together..

i never could understand how brothers or sisters could go on each other and be jealous ever of one another or stab one on the back.. i only learn that to love someone is always be happy for someone who is happy.. never to be jealous of who they are or what they have.. but its so prominent with the parental generation and i dun get why.. i cant even take it if any of my cousins was ever like that cos all are like my very own sisters and brothers.. shldnt we always be happy for someone else?

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am sleepy to type any longer..